I'm so far beyond fed up...I don't even know why I'm writting here...perhaps to have someone see it... perhaps have someone care about it....or just the simple act to have someone care. Though, I haven't written on here in a long time so I doubt many will read this if any at all.

Lately life has been hard, I feel betrayed and angry, I feel like time hates me and lonely. Not in the sense that I have no one, but in the sense that I have only one persona dn try as they may they cannot be there all the time. I'm to the point where I just want people ot leave me alone nad keep me out of their drama.

This all started about a month or so ago, I went back to an rp becuase it was requested to help destroy what could be destroyed, or at least get rid of some problem people. Well some groups were destroyed and some people banned...for at least a very long time. After that ended it seemd the one that i can gone back with wanted to start rpinf, so I just kind of wandered around as a shadow talking to those who talked to me, and well that was about it. A person on there pm's me and basically rips into me telling me that people hate me and I'm just causing drama by wandering around int eh shaodws. O_o yeah that was pretty much my reaction. I told the person who i thought was my best friend and they just told me I Was over reacting, granted it was abou an rp but this person attacked me personally, thus taking it beyond the rp. Every chance that person got hey reminded me inside and out of the rp that everyone hated me. Now I know that that was for the most part a lie, but even if you tell a lie long enough, it soon is believed as the truth. As such I decided that since this person wanted to act that way towards me, rude when they want but a suck up when they were trying to make themselvces look good, that I was not going to play along. If they wanted the right to call me a friend then they needed to showme a tad more respect then the bullshit that htey gave me in front of their rp "beloved"

Needless to say, given that the person who asked me back was the aformentioned persons "beloved. THey were none to pleased with me and began to state things in rp such as "if she doesn't accept this then I will force her" or clamining that my actions were in regards to the past, and not the current present. THings on their facebook and msn were "we're not okay" and given that they wouldn't speak to me my only thoughts were, well then that must be directed at me, putting the few pieces I had, I assumed that they were made at me becuase of issues in the rp.

Finally after I was actually attaked one day, I decided I ahd enough, i had far more things to worry about then dealing with childish drama and basically told the person who I thought was my best firend, that I was done, that if they wanted to act that way and pull that crap then they were getting what they wanted and that I was gone and done wih them, that they were out of my life and I didnt want to hear from them again. Granted I may have used some rather harsh words in there, as I was in the heat of anger. Now I'm not one to have many regrats, and as such I do not regret wat I said, i do not regret what happened. However, what angers me further is that that now ex friend of mine went and turned my other firends against me, they didn't ven bother to hear my saide they just turned on me. People who called me mother were harassing me at odd hours to the point where I have had to start putting no contact orders on people that don't understand when enough is enough.

Further more, the few people I do talk o just yell and bitch at me for no real reason. For example the one person I tried to help, after they sent me a very disturbing conversation they had had, used a whole day to yell at me nd bringing in things that were not even in our conversation, they called me manipulative and a friend at convinience, but really I have to ask, what is convenient about having a person yell at you all day for trying to help them and stand by their side. Am i supposed to jsut stand there and let people rip at me and claw at me and try and steal my only hope away? I'm not the person I once was, I still care abotu people, but I do not believe that being nice and cheery when people stab me in the back does anything for anyone, and perhaps it is selffish but it most assuridly does nothing for me. How can I be maniplualtive, when I told this fiend that she was making a bad choice by continueing to chase after a man that has used her, abused her nad then was sending peopel to tell her to kill herself? maybe I am blind, maybe I'm just stupid but I don't see a benefit in that relationship, at least not for me, yet I still tried to help, wrote them letters under a false name, just to try and let them know that someone cared, only to get yelled at and told how I was a horrible persom.

~sighs~ I am just so fed up, I'm tried of drama, and i wish that my time ro relax was here already. My days are work home more work sleep wake up and work, I'm barely eatting lately, though perhaps that's good for the waistline, perhaps not I don't know anymore. I'm jsut fed up, I'm tired of fighting and bitching nad general drama. I'm tired of feeling alone, and wondering does anyone care.

I'm tired of thinking that i found someone that I can fully trust in besides matthew, and only being beat down for that...appaearntly flase hope. 18 more days...that's all that I can say 18 more days and 1 million more tears. I am tired, and depressed, most days I don't find the strength to get out of bed, I go to work and se all my energy pretending to be happy...and I must do a good job becuase I got a perfect review...

I just don't know anymore, I so badly want to go back to cutting, but the consiquences of such action are far to great, and I learned long ago that while it is a temporary reliefe, it is not a solution ~sighs~ i just...am loosing all strength all strengtht o get out of bed, to be motivated, I half wish that I could win a thousand dllars and just lay in bed all day and not have to work but that will never happen :/ I am stuck in a juxtaposition between life and hell...18 days till I am in heaven, 18 days till i can be weak and not have to worry abot others...18 more days till I can fall asleep and wake up in the morning knowing that I will be greeted with an i love you and a kiss...18 more days....days tat I don't even know how I will survive....